I think this might be the best week of French football of all time. I can't even comprehend how amazing this week of football has been. I haven't even seen any of it, and I know that it's been amazing. Of course, I'm Peter Hutchinson, and therefore the best-ness isn't determined by how many goals have been scored, but by how many puns I can fit into a report.
Let's kick some balls. Footballs.
I love that tagline; I have no idea why the FA don't use it. I especially don't know why Dukey and the others don't use it. It's so awesome.
Anyway, sorry, I'm getting sidetracked by balls. Footballs.
See! You can just use it over and over and it never gets old.
Anyway, sorry again. Foot. Balls.
FIRST OFF THERE WAS MEGA EXCITEMENT WHEN LILLE PLAYED AGAINST BORDEAUX. OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THE SCORE. 4-5! JESUS FUCKING TITTY CHRIST THAT'S A LOT OF NUMBERS. Well, actually it's just two numbers, but THEY'RE PRETTY FUCKING BIG NUMBERS FOR A FOOTBALL GAME. Anyway, to kick things off, PUN. Sorry, I'm really excited about this round of football. Anyway, in quite possibly the biggest game I've ever seen in French football, there were loads of people scoring. Now you'd think with a name like Hazard you'd get booked nearly every game, but nope, he scored for Lille. Braniak, Obraniak, where for art thou Obraniak? On the field kicking balls that's where! More specifically, kicking balls into nets! He scored twice for Bordeuax! TWICE! Two is a big number for a French footballer! Aw man, what an awesome game.
Oh. I just saw the next game. I suppose I'll do some juxtaposition to feign excitement so that the tone isn't lowered by the absolute appalling state of affairs.
HOLY FUCKING TITWANKS, NICE DIDN'T BEAT PARIS St. GERMAIN, but guess what, PARIS St. GERMAIN DIDN'T BEAT NICE. THAT'S RIGHT! IT WAS A DRAW! AND NO GOALS WERE SCORED! AND THERE WERE ONLY TWO BOOKINGS. YAY. I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED BY HOW BORING THIS GAME WAS.
Whoa, I think I'm having a head rush from how exciting all of this football is.
I think I just found the most awesome player ever to play for St. Etienne. Aubameyang scored in the 71st minute for them. So in the end, they beat Toulouse 1-0. Haha, Toulouse. Tu lose. Hah! French pun!
OH DUDE. You know Hazard? Well his name is Eden, and he's wanted by loads of clubs in the Premiere League of England. Let's hope he doesn't get bought by any Cornish team badum tsss!
Okay, you didn't get that one. Admittedly, it was quite a long shot. If you know the geography of England, then you'll know that the Eden project is - oh, you just got it. Well done :)
I'm assuming you got it at that point, if you didn't then... Ask a friend.
Anyway, more football.
I think Chafni was having problems with his knee... perhaps of the chafing variety and as such in a scuffle he knocked someone over, and that was why he was booked. He plays for Auxerre by the way. They drew 1-1 against Lorient. Right, that's that out of the way. Now let's look at who got booked. Hah, Grichting is an awesome name. "What've you got there, mate?" "Ah you know, it's just grich and ting." Uhuh. Now say Ndinga. Now say it again. Now say it over and over to a beat. How cool is that? Whoa, Gassama man, did you get booked for farting? Keep it in. Romao? What are you doing back? Get back to your Shakespearean novel! Mvuemba. That's just an awesome name. So, so awesome. Audard clearly got sent off for being... no, I think doing that would be trying to 'ard. Audard tried 'ard as well. He's oh-d-'ard.
HAHAHAHAH. I love balls. Footballs.
Oooh, Gentilettii, be careful with those Brests. I love Brest. I think it's my favourite team that isn't ... can I mention another team that isn't Brest or Dijon in this match report? I don't think I should. Not only does Gentiletti look like genital, but he scored for Brest. That's just funny. Also, he's got gentile in his name, hence the first pun. Anyway, I suppose I should talk about the actual game. Yeah, I don't think I can make any puns from these names. Wait, got it. They're all players for Dijon though, and they all got booked. Meite got booked for overcharging the referee for his electricity bill, Sankhare tried to drown a rabbit and Souprayen was unlawfully making his religious beliefs known on the pitch, but that paid off because a few minutes later Kakuta scored, making the final score 1-1.
This has got to stop.
Alright, there are no funny names in this match at all. None. There are awesome names, but no funny ones. Okay? So no more puns. I can't even make a pun using the team names, so there'll be no fooling toms in this report, no sir. Caen beat Lyon 2-1.
See? I didn't tomfool at all.
WOW. MONTPELLIER BEAT AC AJACCIO 3-0! AND ALL OF THE GOALS WERE IN THE SECOND HALF!
Still no tomfoolery. It's all serious from here on in. If I'm perfectly honest, I think it's because all of the puns have run out.
Oh come on, Nancy, stop being such a ... well a nancy! If I see you lose again then I'll - wait, I said seriousness. Whew. Calm down. Samassa scored for - Samassa sounds like a popular Indian snack! - oh now come on, Inside Voice, that was just immature. For those of you who don't know, my Inside Voice occasionally annoys me. Especially on my blog. *cough* So didn't just advertise my blog. Anyway, this guy scored for Valenciennes in the very last minute, well actually, in two minutes past the very last minute, so I bet that was exciting. This made the final score 1-0 to Valenciennes.
What's left? Rennes beat Sochaux 1-0. I have nothing left to say about this game, except the guy who got booked for Sochaux. His name is Yaya. Is that like a really happy yoyo?
I'm Peter Hutchinson and this week I think I definitely kicked you in the balls. Footballs.
Pete out.
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