Ligue 1 - 18th January 2012

Wahey! The French started playing football again! Funny how they took a break. Very funny. For all the reasons I mentioned in my last post. Hah.

So, let's kick things off (PUN) with another week of this terrible atrocity going by the name of le foot. That's French for football.

So, Marseille vs Lille. What an interesting and fun match this was. Probably. Well, it was 0-0 at half time, and so the Marseille manager was all like 0.0 and told his players to act dirty. Three bookings later, two goals were scored. Wheeyyy!!! This left the Marseille-Lille game at 2-0. Good job. Oh my god, I've so just realised that both goals were scored by Remy. You know what I'm about to say. Yeah, the name of the viral sensation that scores lots of goals in weird ways. Rémy Gaillard. Coincidence, or act of god? Coincidence. Definitely coincidence.

Shitting hell, the AC Ajaccio vs Auxerre game was exciting. Well, at least the first half was. Three goals were scored, 2 by AC Ajaccio and 1 by Auxerre. This is also when all of the bookings (total of three) and the red cards (also a total of three) happened. So that means that you were provided with a full 45 minutes of footballing excitement. And then a further 45 minutes of potentially homosexual men (not that that's a bad thing) kicking a sack of leather around a field (that's the bad bit).

Almost exactly the same thing happened in the Bordeaux vs Valenciennes game. 2-1 at full time. Only this time, in the first ten minutes of the second half, Kadir scored a goal for Valenciennes as they were trying to claw their way back. You can tell this because this is when they had all of their bookings. They were trying to play dirty, and ultimately failed.

Get me and my ability to be able to determine how exciting matches are by how brutal the players are being.

*Snigger* The Nice-Brest *snigger* game wasn't all that exciting. *Snigger* Brest scored *snigger* in the sixth minute. Wait, what's dirty about the number 6? I'm disappointed now. Anyway, despite Nice trying to play dirty with *snigger* Brest and getting two bookings, they failed. Final score, 1-0 to *snigger* Brest.

Oh yeah! Rennes beat Caen 2-0! Oh yeah! I don't care about this game because the names of the ... wait a minute. The names of the goal scorers. Ekoko and Montano. Cool. But yeah, no bookings, which means the match was shit.

Boom!

Ah no! Dijon beat Evian Thonon Gaillar, the best team name of all time, 3-1! How embarrassing for the team that I shouldn't root for, and yet for some reason I do! I think Evian Thonon Gaillar are the shit team that I'm accidentally supported. Kind of like Wigan of the Premier League (please tell me Wigan are still in the Premier League). But yeah, pretty exciting game, lots of bookings. Tie Bi even got sent off. Tie Bi is such an awesome name. He plays for Evian Thonon Gaillar, so that's a given. Kind of like Cedric Barbosa of the same team. It's just like Evian Thonon Gaillar want me to support them to the bitter end. Anyway, yeah, I kind of gave up on the match report a while ago, so let's move on.

In fact, if you like football, you must really hate me. My match reports must be like interrogating a dog to find out who's been a good boy. No information.

Even so, Montpellier beat Lyon 1-0, in an interesting game that involved a couple of bookings. Good.

They're just getting worse, aren't they? I reckon I can do even worse than that.

Nancy 2-2 Lyon. It was exciting. Lots of bookings.

Now how's that for a match report?

Right, Paris SG has a new manager, who used to be Chelsea's manager, so everyone was hoping he'd bring some light to the otherwise poor performances of Paris SG in the past. (Oh my god, this is shaping up to be the best match report I've ever done). With this in hand, it was no surprise that despite Toulouse having an awesome player name Braaten scoring in the last few minutes to try and claw something back for them against the new dominatrix of French football (Paris SG), they couldn't out-manoeuvre the likes of Nene and Pastore of Paris SG, between them scoring three goals, leaving the final score at 3-1.

Oh yeah! Match report! *Loud grunt*!

And so, I leave you with one more "report". St Etienne beat Sochaux 1-0. Good job.

Hang on... My last report was on the 18th of December right? Yeah, and then it was the winter break... so why the hell are there three days worth of football...? NO! How could Dukey miss that? Blame Dukey. He didn't tell me that the French played up until the winter break. What a dick! These look like the most interesting games of the season so far! There were scores like 4-2 and 4-4 and 1-3. How could I have missed that?

Oh well.

Pete out.

Ligue 1 - TRANSFER NEWS

Uhm. I uh... I've never bothered to look at transfers before. Well, I do know one thing.

DAVID BECKHAM IS MOVING TO PARIS SG.

Yes, in a startling move, David Beckham, the once hero of Great Britain, is moving to France.

Off the top of my head I couldn't tell you how much he was bought for, but I can tell you that he's being paid like £700,000 a ... week? Wait, was it a week? Yeah, it was. Was it? Yes, definitely a week.

So, Davey B, you're getting £700,000 a week to put up with the French? They're paying you to play football, not to work, so you won't need to worry about being the only person in France who appears to have a job. Don't worry, Beckster, they do all have jobs, and they are all paid handsomely.

Oh, but you will have to watch out for the constant bombardment of anti-depressants in the officially most depressed (in terms of people, not ecological deformation) country on the planet.

Oops.

You know how Beckham moving to PSG is quite literally the biggest piece of transfer news going right now? Hah, you'll never guess what. He's extending his stay at LA Galaxy to help spread the name of football in America and to keep his family happy.

So uh... this is awkward...

DAVID BECKHAM IS NOT MOVING TO PARIS SG.

And... umm... that's the transfer news, I guess. No! I shall use the internet!

Okay. That failed. I searched for France football transfer news and Yahoo gave me their page, that in the URL looked to be correct, mainly because it uses the words "france" and "transfers" but it gave me news about freaking Premier League! Disgraceful!

Oh, Paris Saint-Germain has a new coach, Carlo Ancelotti. And as you may know, he used to be the boss of Chelsea. I think. Yeah, I'm correct. Who knows what this means for PSG? Maybe when the football starts again, PSG will win some games, because they might be on a loss/win/drawing streak right now. Or they're not on a streak.

God I should have learned more about football before doing this job.

Okay, this is fruitless. The only things that have happened in French football have been that Paris Saint-Germain sacked their old boss, got a new one, and have had a host of amazing players turn them down because they're too loyal to their current cities. Players like David Beckham and Didier Drogba. Drogba is sticking with Marseille. Does Drogba play for Marseille? Well, that's what the news told me. When did that happen? I swear he played in the Premier League... Never mind, all you need to know is that he also is not going to move to PSG.

Good.

So the official word on the transfer street is that literally nothing is happening. Good.

Pete out.